maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
