I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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