you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
