If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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