burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
this will be a night to untag.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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