Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
