I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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