Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
