He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
