im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
