And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
