I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
