This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
