There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
