Your face is a jimmy john
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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