My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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