its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
