So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
