The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
