I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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