I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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