It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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