He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
