True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
