on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
