My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
