Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
