At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
