turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
