You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
