If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
smell my finger.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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