also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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