Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
