I am in a vortex of obligation.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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