I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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