he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
