So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
