the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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