my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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