Non-Jews are for practice
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
