I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
