You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What a dumb baby whore.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
tell me about the eggs
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
