People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
