woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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