Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
