3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize