checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my being single is dangerous.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize