i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
