She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up under a house in Key West
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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