1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
