you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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