yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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