I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
