Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
