Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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