the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
