i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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