ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
