Just cropdusted the office
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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