I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
