Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
