Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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