Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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