If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
God, I missed his penis.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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